By Rori Raye
If you've ever been seeing a man - and very
carefully not been demanding or had a "talk" about where
the "relationship is going," not pressured him or asked
for any kind of commitment - and then he says "I need
space..." as if you HAD been pressuring him, I know exactly
how frustrating that can be.
You want to scream "I didn't ask you for
a commitment!" And that's where the problem is.
No matter what we do and say, our "vibe"
is what our man hears.
He may not know how, but he knows what you
"really" want even if you're hiding it not only from him,
but from YOURSELF.
How does that work? And how can we solve
this so that we don't lose a man for EITHER reason - either
because we don't make it clear what we really want and
so we somehow seem like we're "withholding" or pretending"
to be one way when we really feel another way - or by
flat-out pushing and pressuring him? It's all so easy
if you're not in love with him.
I mean - if you feel like he's a friend,
and you don't have the "tingles" when you're with him
and you don't care if he calls or if you see him - it's
In that situation, there isn't ANY part
of you that wants MORE.
You're probably looking for the man you
REALLY want to show up, and are just "making do" with
the guy in front of you now.
But what if you DO care for a man? What
if you DO feel the "tingles" and you DO want MORE with
him? And what if you tell him you DON'T want more, and
try to be casual? What if you never mention your dreams
for your own future? What if you "play it" casual? Well
- what happens when we try to take the pressure off of
a man by steering clear of our REAL desires for a REAL
relationship is that we make him feel UNSAFE.
And I know it sounds wrong, because you'd
think it would do the opposite.
You'd think he'd feel SAFE.
Because this is what he "gets" from being
with us: He "senses," on a deep level, because of the
"vibe" we put out, and because we can't help feeling what
we feel on some level we might not even be aware of (we
may think we're so good at "playing" it casual we don't
realize that he can pick up on our "seriousness" anyway)
that we WANT him, and WANT a relationship with him - but
that, for some reason, we're holding back on letting him
see how we really feel.
And the moment he picks up that you're holding
back - he feels unsafe.
He figures, on some deep level he's not
even aware of, that if you can't handle YOUR feelings
- you certainly won't be able to handle HIS feelings.
Men are a mass of jumbled emotions just
as much as we are - and their biggest dream for love is
to be totally ACCEPTED for who they are - ALL parts of
That's what makes them feel safe.
And if you don't love and accept yourself
completely - even the parts of yourself you think are
weak, ugly and yucky - then he'll have difficulty feeling
safe with you.
Even your boundaries in what you will and
will not tolerate from a man make him feel safe.
He feels that if you can take care of yourself
emotionally, his emotions - and his secrets - will be
safe with you! To really learn how to do this - how to
make a man feel safe and draw him in close to you, and
how to keep that balance of WANTING a real, close, intimate
relationship, and letting him SEE that, without pushing
him away by asking HIM to provide it for you, you'll want
to sign up for my free e-letters and take a look at my
new program "The Modern Siren":
I know this balance of inner strength and
outer softness seems very subtle - but you can do it so
It's a very "organic" process, from the
inside out - and it's FUN! Here's a letter from Laurie,
who's struggling with this issue - she' hasn't "demanded"
anything from her man - so she's upset that he suddenly
"Dear Rori, I recently downloaded your
e-book on "Have the Relationship You Want" because I know
I have a problem. However, it wasn't my own mind that
made me act upon downloading it - it was a 5 month dating
'relationship' that started my search.
I meet this quirky guy on St. Patrick's
day just this year. In the beginning I didn't jump on
the dates right away. I waited a few weeks before deciding
to go out. We started dating once a week. He called me,
he asked me out by Tuesday for the weekend. Things were
wonderful for the first 2 1/2 months. He was open about
being recently divorced and he knew I was very concerned
about that but he assured me he was okay.
Then my 15 year-old niece came to visit
- he was excited to entertain the both of us, and all
3 of us did something every weekend. Then something dramatically
changed - my niece had been calling him my "boyfriend,"
and right after she left he stated he was not ready to
be in a relationship and he needed his freedom. He said
that having to see his ex-wife a lot recently made him
realize he wasn't ready for a 'relationship'.
I was upset with him. I never 'asked'
for a relationship. I never put any restrictions on him.
I wanted to get to know him and learn
who 'he' was - without me 'controlling' any aspect of
his actions. We tried to continue for another month but
the tension was too high. I'd already received rejection
and I became a 'different' person.
Always unsure of what was happening.
Also questioning the situation because I was hurt.
I have NEVER been in a relationship where
I can take it slow and try not to guide or manipulate
the course. I should NOT be this upset because it has
only been 5 months. I want 'it' and I want 'it' right
away and if it is not happening on my time frame I make
the other person miserable. By actions of emotional overload
because I can't stop 'talking' about this issues at hand.
He said he wants to "slow down," and
I don't know if I can handle slowing down - but I should
be able to. This is where EVERY relationship ends the
same way - at the first sign of 'uncertainty' I freak
out and start wondering and asking questions that are
pushing men away.
My friends say I just have to meet someone
who can handle me - but deep down I know I need to change.
I guess I am scared to use this existing situation to
try putting your exercises and advice into practice -
it will hurt so bad if I know he is 'dating' but I should
be dating and not worrying about what he is doing. Can
you give me any words of advice? I am EXTREMELY frightened
to try to start fixing myself now because I keep worrying
about what he is doing and not living my life. Thanks,
Fear is a bummer.
It stops us from getting what we want, when
all fear was ever designed to do is protect us from harm.
So - how can we use fear the way it's meant
to be used - to be a red flag and a warning - and NOT
let it run us and get in the way of our true happiness?
This is an issue therapists and authors have been dealing
with for centuries.
And although I can't solve it for you in
one eLetter, I can help you with a baby-step that will
put you on the right path, and show you how to keep moving
down that right path in an easy, fun way.
Fear is NEVER going to go away.
The Nasty Voice inside your head that's
telling you to "Be Afraid" is never going to go away.
The horror movie business would disappear
if fear weren't the overwhelming emotion for nearly everyone.
So - the trick is to LIVE with it.
In fact, to use the ENERGY of fear to GET
what you want! Okay, so let's get specific for Laurie's
I truly want to say "Bravo" to Laurie for
saying that even though her friends say she needs a man
who can "handle" her - she knows, deep down that the way
to go is to make changes in herself, first.
There are whole sets of Tools in all of
my products that deal with getting past fear, and let's
look at a tiny baby-step you can do now.
It moves around your body, it moves from
one idea to another, from one image to another, from one
situation to another.
If you are afraid of moths and then overcome
that fear, it doesn't mean you are through with FEAR for
life - there will always be fear. But also...
And it GETS SMALLER, too.
You can work to make fear smaller, or you
can work to make fear bigger.
This is where you have a choice.
Right now, it's easier and less scary for
Laurie to focus on what's going on with her man than to
focus on herself and her fears about getting a passionate,
thrilling, satisfying life whether or not her man is in
it. (I know it sounds worse, but our minds are fiercely
weird sometimes.) This fear is about the Unknown - about
what MIGHT happen.
Since we have no way to truly know what
WILL happen, we're always reacting with our fear of what
That fear stops us in our tracks, and pretty
much pushes our men away.
So - I want you to CHOOSE to make fear smaller.
And how do you do that? With baby-steps.
That means you take a baby-step toward what
you're most afraid of.
And when you discover you've not only lived
through that but feel actually STRONGER because of the
step you took - you'll feel excited to take ANOTHER baby-step.
And with every baby-step, some old fears
get smaller - and maybe some new ones get bigger.
That's why SUCCESS is usually so much scarier
than failure! At least we KNOW what failure is all about
- but success seems almost unknowable.
But guess what - even while fears are moving
around and getting smaller and growing bigger and then
getting smaller again - YOU'VE MOVED!! Yep - YOU'RE closer
to SUCCESS! So for Laurie - a great baby-step would be
to start doing something for herself.
Not just the normal things - going out with
girlfriends or getting a massage - but TRYING something
Perhaps volunteering to help others through
Perhaps signing up on a dating site or trying
Perhaps starting a new business.
Let me know about every baby-step you take,
I'm thrilled to hear how fear moves around you, in you
- and how it gets smaller and smaller until you get exactly
what you want!
In her workshops, classes, private
coaching and new book, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches
women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly
effective techniques for communication, confidence, and
connecting with men that she used to turn her own now-glorious
eighteen-year marriage around.
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