This time I'm sharing a question from a reader that I know
you'll be interested in...
>>Question From A Reader:
I purchased your e-book last night and have been reading
it. Wow! But I admit I skipped to some parts to get to others
that I thought I needed to read first...and now I'm going
back to read the entire thing. I wanted to share something
with you first that struck me.
I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I
have feelings for him - more than a friendship. We have
been intimate with each other about 3 times. Everything
was fine until I mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn't
asking him for a relationship...but he took it that way.
I have since then been pouring my heart out to him and pretty
much looking insane.
Is there any way to save it? I know he has feelings for
Please help...and tell me how to reverse the damage I have
Thanks so much
WAKE UP GIRL!
I've got to slap some sense into you
for your own good.
I'm going to skip some critical stuff
here because you've got my book.
But go back to Chapter 6 and read each
Your fears are taking over your emotions...
which in turn is driving the behavior that your guy is responding
You've stopped steering your life emotionally
and you've let go of the wheel.
Go to Chapter 7 also, about the Emotional
Gap, and read about “How To Set Yourself
Apart From Other Women.”
But I've got some new ideas for you too...
There's an important scientific word
I want you to learn and remember:
You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for
him - you're sleeping with him!
And I'm willing to bet you had these
feelings all along, but you just weren't completely up front
You're situation is possibly the WORST
kind of uphill battle a woman can have with a man early
It's a BIG NO-NO.
Actually, it's THE big NO-NO in the early
Using purely “physical attraction”
to start a potential relationship.
So rarely do I give rules, but here's
an absolute RULE when it comes to men -
You can go from a committed and deep
relationship to something “casual” or physical
with a man.
For a man, that's relatively easy.
But it almost impossible to go from the
“friends - with-benefits” situation to a deep,
fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.
If you know what I'm talking about here
I know this first hand.
From my own love-life and from TONS of
men and women I've known in my life.
So here's the “RULE”:
DON'T EVER try and start things with
a man at a casual and purely physical level if you EVER
want the option for something more meaningful or long- term.
Men don't work this way, like it or not.
And don't try to get a man BACK with
physical attraction and sex either.
It's a dead-end street.
So here's the first thing you need to
Go read my book again - and this time
Then read it 2 more times.
Just buying it won't help you.
The worst part of this is that you're
smart and you know better - I can tell, but I guess you're
just a glutton for punishment.
And I can't see why you're surprised
with how frustrating your situation is.
Because you helped create it with your
But you're still not getting it, so I'm
going to give you the crash-course in the kind of dating
that leads to love and happiness that you need.
1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU'RE AFTER
You said you “made the mistake”
of admitting you had feelings for him
It's NOT a mistake to share your feelings
with a man.
It IS a mistake to share your feelings
with a man too early and in a negative context.
And you made both of these mistakes because
you set yourself up for failure here.
By choosing and “tolerating”
a situation that just doesn't work for you.
So INSTANTLY you become the nay-sayer
and antagonist for the story you chose to live out and the
role you signed up for.
At least that's the way your guy probably
One minute you're blissfully happy in
his embrace, and then a day or two later your feelings of
content have turned to fear and desperation...
All because of a “talk” you
wanted to have with him.
Ok, I'm riding you a bit hard here, but
it's for your own benefit.
Instead of being open with yourself about
what YOU are truly after, you pursued some kind of “friends
with benefits” strategy to get things moving.
I don't believe that this kind of relationship
came about because of any part of who you really are.
That's why you're freaking out.
You thought you could handle it.
You thought you'd get something out of
And for a minute it was fun.
But then your feelings snuck up on you.
And eventually you were reminded of what
you're really after with a man and what you value.
Right now you have two pictures in your
One picture is of this “casual”
thing going on.
And the other one is what you actually
The two pictures are so radically different
and far apart from each other, that it's no wonder you're
Your expectations are COMPLETELY out
of line for what you're ACTUALLY doing with this guy.
It's time to stop creating situations
in your life that you KNOW won't make you happy or comfortable
- even if they feel good in the moment.
2. FIND YOURE PERSONAL STANDARDS
& REQUIREMENTS... AND THEN STICK TO THEM
Starting things with a man in this “casual
sex” way, is a SURE-FIRE way to ruin your odds of
creating something more meaningful in the future.
I'm a guy.
But more importantly, getting into a
“casual” situation with a man you might want
to date, has a VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.
Unless you're one out of a hundred thousand
women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open,
caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed
relationship effortless... then you're going to have to
start asking yourself some questions about what you really
want from your love-life.
And find some answers...
And then... oh my god... actually be
honest about them from the start.
Here's an important question to ask:
WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?
And I mean YOUR needs.
Not what you're accepting, or tolerating,
or hoping to get from a man just because there's nothing
better around right now.
Be clear here and think it through.
I'll give you a minute...
Most women I know who are casually dating,
have a set of unconscious requirements that have to be met
for them to be able to enjoy the process of dating.
But they rarely recognize these requirements,
or communicate them in an appealing way to a man, that also
speaks to his needs.
So they end up in a situation that is
anything but what they were looking for.
Here's a few of these “must haves”
that women often aren't honest about at the start:
Here's an example of “stereotypical”
female values in order of priority:
- That any man they're involved with, in any way, isn't
dating or still involved with another woman
- That he's open and ready to explore a serious relationship
once they get to know each other
- That he shares some the same values and priorities
in his life that she does - or can at least appreciate
and support her values
Love -> Trust ->
Intimacy -> Connection
And here's one example of “stereotypical”
male values in order of priority:
See any area for conflict and confusion
about what's important if these two people got together?
So how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS
to feel good when it comes to men and dating?
And how do you communicate these to a
Do you do it indirectly through frustration
and anger when your requirements aren't being met, and do
it AFTER THE FACT?
Or do you do it directly and in a positive
context as things are getting started, so you're in sync
from the get-go?
Think about it for a second...
I'll give you more time, because this
Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT
going to make the right decisions for you.
He won't be able to magically recognize
and meet all of your needs or values.
Sticking to your standards helps you
show a man how happiness works for you.
3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN'T
MEET YOUR STANDARDS
After observing and studying how our
minds work, I recognized something FASCINATING a few years
When we're in a negative situation with
someone in our life, we're there because we're getting something
out of it behind the scenes.
Here's what you're getting out of the
You get a safe and risk free path to
get close to this guy.
Even though you're not too close at all.
Also known as “working it from
the 'friend zone'”.
So for you, you get your needs met by
getting close and intimate in a way that seems, at first,
to be REJECTION or ABANDONMENT FREE for you.
After all, how vulnerable would you be
if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front?
Then you might end up feeling disappointment
Or be unable to continue the “friendship”
that you have right now.
And maybe having to start over alone
might actually be worse in your mind than having something
crappy that you're “tolerating” and fighting
with a man about.
If you look deeper, you'll probably see
that your desire for something more was there all along
underneath the surface.
But you didn't want to share it for fear
of scaring him off or getting hurt.
This may sound harsh, but you've got
to be clear and direct with a man if what he's doing is
not up to par with where you need your partner to be.
You have to show a man what a woman wants
and needs, because he probably wasn't born knowing it like
And do it in a way that rejects the BEHAVIOR,
not him personally.
My favorite way of thinking about how
to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer”.
Strong and assertive, but warm and gentle
at the same time.
The funny thing is, that as tough and
as “bitchy” or self-centered doing this might
sound right now, most men respond MAGICALLY to a woman who
does this in the right way.
Because it sends a strong UNCONSCIOUS
signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life
and her world.
There's nothing that triggers more intense
“long- term” attraction in a healthy and mature
man, than a woman who he CAN'T control and doesn't get thrown
off center when her needs aren't met.
Using the “velvet hammer”
also has another AMAZING benefit that women don't often
recognize... or they don't even see as a benefit at first.
It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to
go away, because they're never going to get their act together
in the first place, or just don't want to.
A large percentage of the time, the man
will stop communicating or go away for a short while.
But here's the best part...
With the “good guys”, that
you probably WANT to be with long-term, something FASCINATING
They come back around.
And even better, they've done all the
leg-work themselves to be a better partner... in a way the
woman could have never fixed or convinced him to do, no
matter how hard she tried.
4. WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND
“LOVE” WITH MEN
Ever heard of “approval seeking”
It's when we try and do and say things
simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves
from someone else.
Well, it's a HUGE MISTAKE to make with
a man early on.
Your need for your guy's APPROVAL is
your worst enemy right now.
To him, what your doing is actually the
complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.
I'll give you an example to explain...
Have you ever seen what it looks like
when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman?
As he's just getting to know her and
he sees that she hasn't completely made up her mind to want
to be with him, what does he do?
He buys her gifts.
He calls her all the time.
He offers to do favors and errands for
All these are attempts to prove to her
that he's good enough to be with her or to get her attention.
This is also known as the “really
nice guy” approach.
Women just never seem to quite “feel
it” for the super nice guy.
Of course, some women disagree and like
to tell me that they really like nice guys.
Here's my take...
A guy can already be attractive AND do
Agreed - you CAN be attractive AND do
But doing nice things DOES NOT make a
man more attractive.
If a woman wasn't really “feeling
it” before, no amount of nice guy behavior will win
her heart over.
It just doesn't work that way.
With me here?
Instead of making her feel attracted
to him, what actually happens inside a lot of women when
a man is taking the “nice guy” strategy?
Somewhere deep down she starts to lose
RESPECT for him, because she knows she can CONTROL him.
The woman doesn't consciously choose
to experience this, but it's how she FEELS.
And feelings are the most powerful things
we have to drive our beliefs and desires.
Ever stopped to think that the same thing
might work in reverse between a woman's behavior and a man?
I've got a FASCINATING question for you.
Guess what one of the most common, central,
human experiences is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE?
It's a LOSS OF CONTROL.
If you don't know what I'm talking about,
think about a love you've had in the past, or friends you
know who have been head over heels in love.
Or pick up a book on the physiological
and psychological effects of love on our minds and bodies.
There have been lots of great studies.
Anyway, our minds work obsessively on
thoughts about the other person when we're in love.
We think and plan to do all kinds of
things for our lover.
Part of why we do this is to try and
find the best way to get or share love back from the other
Some of this is beautiful and positive,
but not all of it.
Some of what we do is to think up ways
to try and CONTROL the other person, so they won't ever
leave or take the love we're feeling away.
The classic adolescent example of this
is when a girl wants to break up with a guy, and the boy
falsely threatens to kill himself if she leaves.
I'm not making light of that horrible
situation, but it's a good example.
Nod your head if you know what I'm talking
about and you get where I'm going with this.
What I'm doing here is showing you the
subtle connection between LOVE, and the LOSS OF CONTROL
Now let's tie it back to approval seeking
How does approval seeking effect LOVE?
And what does it have to do with CONTROL?
For men, approval seeking behavior KILLS
the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing
exactly how the women he's with is going to think and act.
What does a man have to think and wonder
about if he's got complete certainty about everything a
woman's going to do?
Do you think a man feels intense desire,
love and respect for a woman he can completely control?
Or when her behavior is totally predictable?
And what if she starts acting predictably
Think about it...
It's this “natural tension”
and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that
creates strong ATTRACTION in men.
“SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?”
What most women ask in situations when
a man isn't responding the way they want him to is...
WHY is he acting this way and
how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”
Well, you can't “fix” a man.
And I really feel for you if you're one
of those women who are trying.
But you CAN change a situation and the
FEELINGS that a man is having for you.
You can change his EXPERIENCE with you.
The toughest and most important thing
to understand is that men's behavior and thinking in these
situations arent at all LOGICAL.
In other words, how a man reacts doesn't
make ANY “sense” and doesn't follow any rhyme
So of course it baffles and frustrates
women when they run it through their own “sense-making
Let me ask you a question...
If you were an attractive man, would
you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make
you attracted and feel good... or would you want a woman
who just “got it” on her own... “naturally”
and it flowed?
Duh. (there's that scientific word again)
You'd want the woman who already “got
So more likely than a conspiracy against
women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and
DON'T respond to women who DON'T.
So let's talk about these concepts a
little bit more.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman,
is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally
compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks
fly when he's around her.
NOTE: I did
NOT use the word “logical” here.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman
long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and
then thinking to himself:
“Let's see...she's got a good job,
works hard, and is a really good person... Hmmm, I think
that we have some natural attraction going on here.”
For a man, attraction and the desire
to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE,
or it ISN'T.
There's no two ways about it.
If it isn't, he's not FEELING it.
Unfortunately, most women think:
“Well, if things aren't going great,
it must be because he doesn't know something that I know,
or feel something I feel. I think I'll explain to him logically
from my point of view how he needs to feel like I do...
and then he'll get it and know how and why we should love
If you're doing this, you need a major
refresher on how ATTRACTION is created and how it drives
the feelings of love and long-term desire.
My ebook “Catch Him & Keep Him”
is chock full of great examples of how to trigger what I
call “Intellectual Attraction” in a man.
In other words, the kind of attraction
that gets a man to “naturally” open up, share
himself and think about the future with a woman.
You can learn to avoid the mistakes most
women make with a man that keep him from experiencing intense
feelings of Intellectual Attraction.
And get specific ideas on how to begin
to change a situation by creating this attraction.
Here are a few specific sections in the
Go to the link below to check out more.
- Chapter 3, Section 1: Be Honest About What You Want
This will get you on track with how to stop being fearful
about dating, scaring a man off, and how to share your
feelings at the beginning in a way that will build Physical
and Intellectual Attraction instead of having him withdraw.
- Chapter 3, Section 5: The “Convincer”
Here you'll learn the common behavior and communication
style lots of women take on, that is sure to have a
man acting “unavailable” and becoming less
I describe how and why this happens in this section
and in the following section about the critical “Relationship
Balance” that exists between every man and woman...
and what to do about it.
- Chapter 5, Section 4: Emotions Are Contagious
A woman's emotional power can be her greatest strength
or her biggest weakness. I talk about the deeper “psychology”
behind your emotions, how men perceive the most common
emotions women go through, and how you can channel your
emotions to have a man see you as someone he HAS to
And by the way, here's one more piece
of good news...
I've made it so that you can download
my ebook completely free of charge and try it out for 7
Try it for free.
I'm so sure that you'll love it and that
it will truly help you and make you feel great about where
you are, that I'll let you decide whether or not you want
to pay for it.
All you have to do is download the book,
read it, and keep it if you love it.
I know you will.
If for any reason you don't want the
book, just let me know and you won't have to pay ANYTHING
AND you can still keep the book.
Sounds like a good deal to me.
Get all the details and download your
copy of the book here:
Thanks and best of luck in life and love!
Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.