By Carol Allen
If you're with a guy that drives you absolutely
crazy much of the time, then welcome to love.
It may not be necessary to dump him (or kill
him - in fact, please don't!).
There's a way to be happy with him anyway
- if you know what to do to bring out his best, and lead
the way to a great relationship.
Have you ever had a man do stuff that you
were just sure meant he didn't love you?
Stuff like, not going to see the movies you
Not joining you and your friends for special
Not participating much in your holiday festivities...
Not wanting to eat any of your healthy home-
cooked meals, no matter how long you slaved over them, preferring
instead to go buy nasty fast food fare...
Well, if you think a relationship like this
sounds DOOMED, then I have to come clean about something...
I just described MY relationship.
(Gasp! Choke! Guffaw!...)
That's right - my hubby and I have several
areas of HUGELY challenging, incompatible, painful disagreement,
that for years led me to feel he didn't really love me.
I mean, come on. If he really loved me, then
he'd want to be with me as much as he could, even if it
was to watch a sappy romantic comedy or English period piece
involving lots of corsets and carriages, right?
If he really loved me, he'd want to be there
when the friends I loved most got married... or had baby
showers... or big birthdays, right?
If he really loved me, he'd make an effort
on holidays, and put up with my family, and go to our gatherings
and celebrations, right?
If he really loved me, he'd at least pretend
to like my miso soup, brown rice surprise, and seaweed souffle,
These issues have nothing to do with how he
feels about me.
How do I know?
Because he's FORCED me to believe that...
I know because relationship research tells
And not just any relationship research.
In fact, the most scientific, rigorous marriage
study ever done (in over a twenty-five year period by the
Gottman Institute in Seattle, Washington) says something
It says that ALL COUPLES - boring ones, romantic
ones, friendly ones, volatile ones, you name it - ALL have
TEN TO TWELVE IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES that will never
(Hence the word, IRRECONCILABLE...)
That's a mouthful, sister.
That means EVERY couple you know or have ever
heard of (and all of those you don't know and haven't heard
of) that you imagine are so blissfully happy and easy together
have TEN TO TWELVE aspects of their relationship that they
essentially have to SUCK UP.
The key is, you have to find the person whose
differences you can live with.
That's hugely important.
You have to get your most core, critical needs
met in your primary relationship.
Please don't suck those up...
(You'll only turn into a seething ball of
resentment if you do, making you both sorry!)
But when it comes to the stuff you'd PREFER
worked between you, but you can live without, you gotta
get over it...
All the begging, all the pleading, all the
cajoling, all the crying, all the whining, all the cold
shoulder, and all the couple's therapy IN THE WORLD won't
get these things to change...
How do I know?
I tried them all... :))
But here's the good news - knowing that no
matter who you are with, there will be ten to twelve things
you wish were different, means you don't have to give up
your perfectly fine romance to go find something perfect.
Because that's what this study found - there
is no one perfect.
And the idea of compatibility between two
people is actually a MYTH.
Affinity, however, IS NOT.
Affinity is when you feel that a man GETS
When you have an INSTANT rapport.
When you laugh at each other's jokes, and
feel totally understood by one another.
It's the thing that makes it so that when
you're together the time flies...
It's when you are safe to do or say whatever
you need, knowing that he can handle you even at your worst,
and you can handle him.
It's when a man's very presence makes you
feel comforted and soothed to your core.
Now that's the stuff of great romance.
And I have to come clean again...
I just described MY relationship.
So, really - who cares that he doesn't want
to see the movies I want to see?
Who cares that he misses a few parties (when
he knows I'm a super outgoing extravert who has a great
time whether he's there or not...)
Who cares that he doesn't go to the candle
lighting ceremony on Christmas Eve?
Who cares that he doesn't like brown rice?
Because every day is like Christmas when you
have the kind of support and connection that good affinity
So, what can you do to get over your ten to
twelve areas of problem with a man?
First, STOP thinking they have anything to
do with whether or not he loves you.
Consider that perhaps it's not personal -
and that he has needs, too.
(When I learned my husband's brother died
around the holidays when he was a kid which is why he goes
into a "special occasion funk" and that his parents NEVER
had shared friends, or any social life whatsoever, it helped
me get over my wounded ego - A LOT.)
Then figure out what your CORE, CRITICAL needs
are - what you absolutely require to be happy in a relationship.
And see if you can get THAT STUFF.
Everyone's are different.
Some people can go without a lot of affection,
though most of us can't.
Some couples do fine without having children,
though most people want them.
Some couples want to spend a lot of time separately,
while that would be unimaginable to lots of people...
There are no "absolutes" here.
Your needs are your needs - and you're entitled
But try to get clear about the differences
between your NEEDS and your PREFERENCES.
And between COMPATIBILITY and AFFINITY...
(To see if you and a man have enough affinity
is revealed in "The Right Man Report" which you can learn
more about and sign up for my newsletters by going here:
[landing page link])
And see if you can get over some of your constant
And then try something truly outrageous...
Try accepting him just the way he is.
Try letting him NOT BE in trouble anymore
for wanting something different than what you want.
The amazing thing is, once you STOP resisting
what he wants, he'll stop resisting what you want.
And he may just start giving you what you
How do I know?
Because now my hubby does all the things I
used to wish he'd do.
Now when we have parties it's usually his
Now he's super into holidays... (that only
took ten years! :))
Now we spend tons of time with my family (we're
even going on vacation with them this very weekend. It's
truly a miracle...)
Because I gave up trying to MAKE him be who
I wanted him to be.
I started seeing that he gave me what I needed
even if he didn't always give me what I preferred.
I started appreciating what he DID do more...
And he started meeting me more than halfway.
And you know what?
That's how it works.
(He still doesn't eat my seaweed souffle,
though. But now I'm addicted to Taco Bell - oops!)
So come on - give up the "If he really loved
me" blues, and let the man love you already - the way HE
knows how, and find out if you can be happy anyway.
You just might be pleasantly surprised...
And to see if you can go from a seething ball
of rage to a cuddly kitten with a man, or if you'll only
end up exhausted no matter how many great tools and truths
you learn, check out "The Right Man Report."
"The Right Man Report" uses a powerful, ancient
astrology technique to reveal if you and a man have that
great AFFINITY stuff I described - if he can fully appreciate
you and make you feel good, or if your relationship with
him will always be too much work.
Affinity and rapport are VERY REAL things,
and when they are present between you and a man it is much
easier to bring that relationship your best.
When it isn't - then, even when you know better
and mean well, you blow it...
The man's presence, and all your interactions
with him simply brings out your wounded ego - over and over
again, leaving you sad and insecure.
Please don't work so hard in love - unless
the man and your connection are REALLY worth it, and giving
you what you sincerely need.
can sign up for my free newsletters and order yours now
by going here!
And may God and his planets and stars shower
you with love!